wretched dandelions

The clock edges closer to 3pm and I'm fighting the urge to give a two minute notice and walk out. I feel like my entire body has dry mouth as I'm wondering what he'll say. That I've disappointed him? That I put on an impressive show but the gig is up? Thank you for your time but we need someone who can think critically? I try to calm myself and collect my thoughts as I enter this meeting with my boss, still wondering what he'll say when he finds out I'm a garbage engineer.

Thinking about this year since January in retrospect, I have: spent weeks job hunting, interviewed, gotten rejected,spent nights learning new languages and frameworks, interviewed again, gotten rejected again, interviewed again, landed my dream job, quit Crossfit, started running, changed my name, taken up embroidery, sang my first ever solo, quit running, traveled all across the southeast, and started Crossfit again. I've stepped out of my comfort zone in almost every aspect of my life, both personally and professionally, and it's been quite scary to say the least. I've had some fleeting sense of accomplishment, but I've mostly just spent the year in a cycle of struggle, self-doubt, and major imposter syndrome.

Having a successful milestone in my career wasn't the root cause of this sudden insecurity, but it did serve as a catalyst for some real self examination. I noticed it at first with work, when I was genuinely bewildered at seeing my name on the offer letter--to the point that I thought a clerical error had been made. Little wretched doubts sprung up all around me like dandelions. They seeped into my day to day life and I began feeling the weight of crushing anxiety of being found out for a fraud.  It seemed as though every aspect of my life and who I was as a person was questioned, prodded, and examined under a microscope. It was as though someone lifted up the curtain slightly, in a well-meaning manner even, and wanted to see what was going on behind the scenes. Seeing a bit of stage light sent me running around cross checking myself--am I actually all these things I say that I am? Is the real Andrea actually Imposter Andrea, her more crafty twin?

I realized that it wasn't my external circumstances, but the ground I was quietly cultivating behind the closed doors of my heart. I kept fertilizing it when I wasn't looking with rotten things full of judgement and self loathing. These seemingly trivial changes in life exposed the uncomfortable feelings that come from growth, as well as the negative way in which I had learned to deal with them. We, as part of our human nature, naturally seek out pleasurable experiences and try to avoid painful ones. We often run for the hills and try to put emotionally numbing bandaids on at the slightest suggestion of discomfort. But a small bandaid is no match for the torrent of confusion that rides alongside denial. Not dealing with pain is painful. Not dealing with the hissing lies you tell yourself to preemptively justify failure is painful.

Knowing the difference between humility and utter self-deprecation is wisdom. I am not a garbage engineer--*pluck* goes a dandelion. I am not an imposter--*pluck* goes another one. I don't know the things I don't know and that's acceptable. Plucking away the dandelions one by one and dealing with the negative feelings I've tried to hide behind gives way to fertile soil. There's space now to receive the gifts of growth rather than the anxiety that comes from little untruths. Allowing myself the grace to accept that perhaps I am not quite yet the icon of humility and wisdom and kindness that I desire to be gives way to plant the seeds to beget those things.

Pluck those wretched dandelions that choke out any chance of knowing yourself. Get rid of the deception that clouds truth. Make room to cultivate roses.